As human beings, we seem uniquely talented at self-deception. These well-known words by Sir Walter Scott seem to apply not only to how we deceive others, but to how we deceive ourselves: “Oh, what a tangled web we weave/ when first we practise (sic) to deceive.” Most of us must spend some time unraveling that “tangled web” if we are to unlock our true potential.
As a student success instructor for the last year, and having trained to teach student success since 2015, I have been forced to unravel some of my own “webs” of self-deception. I texted this to my life partner Sonja recently, and she gave me permission to share it for publication: “I try to get it when you talk about your eating disorder and seeing yourself differently than you really are, but with my body I think I am pretty realistic…maybe even a little bit extra optimistic. 😆 But I was depressed and really feeling like a failure for so long before CVID, ADHD, and ASD diagnoses…I don’t really see myself for what I am and what I can be. My view is distorted and twisted still from my past experience. I am sorry I still struggle with that. I am trying to see myself with ‘fresh’ eyes. I can see better and do better.” Sonja and I have talked for years about how she sees, mentally, her body differently than it really is. I have read many women are impacted by this condition, but more and more men are struggling with issues of body image as well. This is certainly one area where we tend to lie to ourselves.
For me, the distortion comes in how I view myself in a social context. I sometimes have a very negative view of myself, despite how others may see me. As I share with my students, it took me 12 years to finish a bachelor’s degree. I struggled with depression throughout that process, but was never treated successfully. Finally, in my late 30s, I was diagnosed with CVID, a primary immunodeficiency. No wonder I had so many pneumonias. No wonder I was exhausted so frequently. And no wonder it was hard to finish my degree. I had a long, uphill road to manage all I had to manage and successfully negotiate college. I began IV treatment for CVID in 2011, and have since stayed much healthier and been able to exercise consistently.
I also struggled to finish my graduate degree. I was accepted into a PhD English program in 2001, the year I finished my BA, but I didn’t manage to finish a graduate degree until 2016. Why? I was diagnosed with ADHD in 2013, the year I began my most recent attempt at a graduate degree. I received treatment and thrived in graduate school, finishing while working and attending part-time. I was even honored by the program my last year, and finished with a perfect 4.0 average. I never would have expected to finish with an “unblemished” GPA, but I did it.
So who am I? Apparently, I’m a 4.0 student. However, I don’t see myself that way. I still see myself as the struggling student, the struggling person, the depressed person on the verge of a complete nihilistic meltdown. It’s time for me to begin seeing myself the way I am, not the way I was. This is easier said than done, but I know I have to keep working on it.
Most recently, in 2017, I was diagnosed with high functioning autism. In some areas I am very high functioning…but in other areas, I tested lower than what used to be called “Asperger’s syndrome.” I have some significant deficits when it comes to social interaction. I jokingly told Sonja, “What! I flunked Asperger’s?” But I do feel that way at times. It’s hard for me to see myself and my deficits in a realistic way–I just want to be like everyone else and live like everyone else. SPD, or sensory processing disorder, is a major component of my autism and of the way I “sense” the world. While I can do well enough one to one, or perhaps talking with two other people, I really struggle with larger groups of peers. Teaching is much easier for me–it’s scripted, and I can play my role well enough to manage a classroom and provide a solid community for my students. Sometimes I need to use headphones to manage sound input–I tend to do this at home. Perhaps I am embarrassed to do this publicly? I can struggle with smells and tastes as well, so I frequently opt out of public gatherings where food is served. I try not to be a “pain” about my issues, but if I try to force myself into the “norm,” into the standard, it is excruciating for me. I do wish that people would become more educated about SPD, as that would make my life and my children’s lives much easier.
Ultimately, I’m still trying to better understand and unravel my own self-deception. I know enough to know I’m not who I thought I was…but who am I? The more I understand, the easier it is to function well. I can “cut myself some slack” if I understand where a behavior or misperception originates. I have a logical mind, but there is sometimes a significant disconnect between my own logic and my “feeling,” my perception of myself. I have to keep untangling this web of misperception if I am to be the person I want to be and achieve what I want to achieve.
Are you deceiving yourself? If so, how? It’s worth meditating on your own thoughts and feelings in a way that allows you to really “see,” who you are and what you can do, and not be the victim of your own self-directed lies.
stickingwithit 