“Emotional intelligence” and movement behavior

I think most of us who exercise have a sense of how helpful movement is for us–mind, body, and spirit. However, it might be worth spending some time being mindful of just how connected your physical movement behaviors are to your emotional health.

“Emotional intelligence” has been a buzzy term from quite some time, but what does it really mean? To me, it’s about first developing the emotional awareness to know when you need to change something, to adapt, or to find a physical outlet for your emotional stress. Good emotional intelligence tests are rather lengthy (the short, pop culture ones seem pretty sketchy), but if you are interested you can follow this length to learn more about EI (emotional intelligence) and how the tests work. https://positivepsychology.com/emotional-intelligence-tests/ Given how important emotional intelligence is now considered for success in the workplace, there’s a good chance you’ll encounter more about EI in the coming years at your place of work.

At some point we all reach the moment of frustration where it might feel good to do something we shouldn’t, like throw a folder of papers at a boss. Regardless of whether or not they might deserve it (and deserve has so little to do with life as we must live it), we must keep our emotions in check for the good of the team, to feed our children, or other pragmatic daily concerns. But we can’t just “stuff it down” all day, each day. If we do, at some point we are likely to break. So what can we do?

Physical movement has many benefits, including cardiovascular health, body fat regulation, and better balance and coordination. It also helps us to process difficult emotional stress we all must deal with at some point. And, there are many options for just how you move, what movement behaviors you adapt. Are you experiencing intense emotional stress or trauma? Consider how you might adapt your movement behavior and perhaps you’ll have less need for anti-anxiety or pain medication. Stress can make you sick–if movement behavior can counter this, why not try it?

If you already exercise regularly, you may find you benefit from switching up your routine. Try another workout, such as running or yoga or lifting. Try something new. If you don’t have a regular movement behavior practice, begin with breathing and stretching. Breathe deeply into your belly for four or five seconds through your nose, feel the air in your belly and perhaps even give your diaphragm a little “squeeze,” then breathe out thinking “slow and relaxed” for several seconds. Just doing some breathing practice can be a great start to mindfulness and greater awareness of your emotional struggles. I use a two minute timer to practice mindfulness or to do breathing exercises–you may want to practice longer once you get more talented in your practice, but start with no more than two minutes at a time. If you’re stressed, slow down, breathe, and pay attention to how you feel. Self-awareness can be the first step to greater control.

In some cases you may need more intense movement. There are times when I benefit from my 100 pound boxing bag. If I really need to work out some frustration, I can strap on my gloves and give it a good MMA beat down with kicks and punches. Working on the bag is a much more acceptable and positive behavior than letting your anger or pain “bleed out” onto the lives of others. Help others keep their stress lower, too. If you can do that, not only will you benefit, but you will help those around you and provide a good example of a positive response to emotional stress. I know I’m hardly perfect here–I’m still working on it. I know I’ll never be perfect, but I know I can spend effort each day allowing myself to learn and get better.

In recent student success courses I have taught, I have been surprised at the number of students (often more than half of a class) who have been to “anger management” classes. The students claim the classes don’t work…but I wonder just how deeply these students have committed to the positive, alternative behaviors they studied in the anger management class. Behavior can be very difficult to change–we are often very committed to our old, broken, emotionally “dumb” scripts–but if we don’t commit to new scripts and new ways of adapting and learning in terms of our emotional health, we certainly have zero chance to change. Try making a 32 day commitment to create a more positive behavioral response to emotional stress. You have to start with day one–why not start today?

If you are experiencing a great deal of emotional stress, consider how much time you are spending on your body, and how you might take advantage of how your body can help you “process” and make sense out of all the pressure or pain you feel. For me, Tai Chi, MMA workouts, and lift days make all the difference. I breathe and stretch and push myself almost every day of the year, and it has made a positive difference for me. If you are in great pain, find a way to regularly push it through your body in order to feel better and do better each day.

Isometric advantage?

Isometric exercise is nothing new, and you may already be familiar with several effective isometric techniques. I’ve recently become more interested in isometric training, as I have found it helpful for my battles with a lung tumor and bronchiectasis.

So what is isometric training? Have you ever seen a body builder flexing at competition? That’s isometric. Bruce Lee holding a pose, breathing out, and using a martial arts yell? Also isometric. Based upon my own experiences and what I’ve been able to research, I think it’s worth another look at the possibilities for isometric strength training.

Recently, I decided I needed to work my lungs more. I have an “incentive” spirometer from my hospital stay last year for an emergency appendectomy. I have found just using the spirometer helpful, but I wanted to add a bit more to it. So, I began “flexing” my diaphragm when my belly was full of air, holding my breath and pushing my diaphragm downward. I saw some immediate improvement in the relaxation and elasticity of my diaphragm. I use what I call “54BB,” or 54 belly breathing (5 count breathing in until your belly is full, then 4 counts breathing out, thinking “relaxed and smooth”), between reps and even during my workouts, so I added a “flex” to my diaphragm to that belly breathing technique. It seems counterintuitive, but it helps me to relax. I tell myself, “In order to relax, flex.”

I have encountered an isometric exercise in my training as a teacher called “Body Squeeze,” where you squeeze your entire body isometrically in order to energize, focus, and relax. This is a technique worth using in the classroom, I have found, especially when the group needs a little energy or focus.

I have found focused flexing of specific parts of my body also helps me to find tension, to gain awareness of injuries, and even to gain strength. Just focusing on a particular muscle group as you do an exercise can help you to increase strength in that muscle group. For a more detailed discussion of the history and benefits of isometric exercise, check out this great article by Andrew Read: https://breakingmuscle.com/fitness/isometric-training-what-it-is-and-how-to-do-it-correctly

If you have plateaued and are looking for new methods to gain strength, or if you are looking for another way to develop awareness of your body and deal with stress, give isometric training a try–it may be to your advantage.

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Be like a woman

This blog post is more of a prose-poem, but I think it does tie in strongly to health and wellness. In order to be a healthier person, I’m learning to be more like the amazing women who have influenced me.

No, I’m not planning on a change in how I identify my gender. I worked hard on my sexy dad bod and I rock it, I own it, and I plan to keep it and polish it. However…recent reflections have me thinking I need to be more like the wonderful women in my life.

I love the women in my life, and I hope I can be more like them.

It’s easy to start with my life partner, my wonderful wife Sonja, she of the amazing accomplishments who is never satisfied with anything but her best effort. Some days I really hope she cuts herself a little slack because she goes so hard. She is relentless. She’s better than me at so many things, and wiser than me, and definitely prettier than me. I honestly don’t know how she does what she does. She’s a great mom to special needs kids who are neurodiverse, and she’s a great teacher and professor, and she’s a great administrator. Simply put, I live in awe of the person who sleeps beside me each night. I guess that’s the way it should be, but I’m not always worthy of the love she shares with me. Everybody wants some of Captain Amazing, but she still finds time to support me and make me feel like I can grind through another tough day. I wish I could be more like her. I wish I could be as wise and patient as she is with the kids. I wish she could see what I see when I see her–maybe she would relax and “back off” just a bit. But no, I guess she wouldn’t–she has a hunger that can never be satisfied, and that’s what makes her so great at everything she does.

I love the women in my life, and I hope I can be more like them.

I feel like some kind of useless evolutionary remnant. The 21st Century man…what I’m good at we really don’t need very often. I squish scary bugs when I’m asked to, but I don’t need to protect the family by bashing in someone’s skull or turning a spoon into a ninja weapon. Those kinds of skills are pretty damned useless for our everyday lives. I still have plenty of testosterone, I guess–I’m building lean muscle at the age of 48. Do we need it? Not very often. I am good at carrying the heaviest things, and making stuff work. For my everyday life, though, I wish I could be more like Sonja. I wish I could be more like a woman, the wise women who have guided us all for thousands of years. If you think about it, the wisest and most peaceful words of our prophets and religious icons are to be “like a woman.” As Jesus said, wisdom (hokmah or sophia) is justified by her deeds. Be like Mary Magdalene, be like Mary Martha. Women are justified by their deeds, and those deeds seem far wiser than my own most days.

I love the women in my life, and I hope I can be more like them.

My daughters are good examples for me to follow, too. Though we have sometimes butted heads (perhaps because we have much in common), Kyla has become a terrific person. She cares about people with great diversity, and works to make sure everyone is included and has a “place.” She cares about social justice and works to help causes when she can. She’s doing well in school and becoming a well-rounded and interesting young woman. I have made my share of mistakes as a step-dad, and been far from perfect, but the product of the work Sonja and I have done certainly is inspiring. I have learned from Kyla and I could improve myself by working to be more like her, to see and understand the world in the way she does.

Maura, too, has become a great young woman, though she told me today she still “identifies” as a kid. She’s my kid. But she has a quiet, patient way with Iain that is really helpful when he is upset. She “gets” him and she can “whisper” him into better managing his anxiety or upset. She has learned to be curious and asks great questions, and she has always been a “helper.” I know she’s sure to do great things. I’m thankful to know her and hope she understands I’m doing my best most days–I am just a dude, right? A dude who became a dad. I am still learning from Maura, and being more like her would instantly make me a better man.

I love the women in my life, and I hope I can be more like them.

My mom, Marva Sansing, helped me to explore the world and fed my curiosity. Not only was she a great teacher in her classroom, but she taught me and my sister Pam so much, too. She bought me books where I had an interest, regardless of what it was. The hours we spent digging through books at bookstores left me with some great selections over the years, and I gained a lot of wisdom from what I read. I try to be like Marva, too, and inspire curiosity and learning in my children. The wisdom that is curiosity is worth sharing.

My grandmothers, all three of them, were a huge influence on me. Mamie or Eula Sansing, my dad’s mom, had a quiet way about her and a way of smiling at the silly things I did. We could just sit in the quiet and enjoy our time together. I have so many great memories of just sitting at her dining table and passing time, talking about whatever off-the-wall ideas I could come up with. At one point, I even forced her to learn how to draw a dinosaur when I was 3! Poor Mamie. But she tried because I asked. I could do no wrong in her eyes–her acceptance was complete and indelible.

Nonnie (Vergene Hagood) and Aunty Pal (Opal Hagood) were Bowen sisters who married Hagood brothers, Elmo and Raymond. My mom, Marva Hagood-Sansing, had two sets of parents growing up, effectively. I inherited both sets of grandparents, and learned so much from all four of them. Nonnie had a master’s degree and had worked as a kindergarten teacher and elementary librarian. She loved stories and continued traveling to local schools and telling stories she had memorized (or written herself and memorized) to elementary school children even after she retired. She told me quite a large number of those stories when I was young. A childhood survivor of polio (another great story, trust me), she was eternally optimistic. Sometimes I think I get a bit of my optimism from her, because she had a way of making a positive view of the world infectious. She even taught me to read before I started kindergarten, even though my mother had told her not to because of some research or ideas from that time. I suspect my advantages in literacy, and in school generally, flow naturally from my early start. I’m highly performing in the verbal realm for someone with diagnosed autism–it surprised the PhD who diagnosed me. I spent a lot of time with Aunty Pal as well. She always made sure a growing boy had plenty to eat, and she and Raymond would sneak me money for good grades! My parents never knew until I was out of high school, but I was cashing in on my report cards as often as I could manage. She was a tall, graceful, amazing woman throughout her life–I saw the way Raymond doted on her and helped her with all the chores around the house. Strong a man as he was, he gladly waited on her hand and foot. I learned so much from both of them, and from the way they loved each other.

I love the women in my life, and I hope I can be more like them.

I realize I am a flawed creature–I must claw and scratch my way to decency each and every day. Sometimes I think I pick fights just because I like fighting. I just can’t help myself. But I am going to strive to “be like a woman” each and every day of my life. I want to be more patient, more kind, more gentle, and more nurturing in all that I must do. I want to be a better listener, and I want to be more wise. Of course I’ll fail–I’m only a man after all–but for me to realize the wisdom I have learned from all the amazing women in my life, I need to be like a woman in as many ways as I can manage.

The lies we tell ourselves

As human beings, we seem uniquely talented at self-deception. These well-known words by Sir Walter Scott seem to apply not only to how we deceive others, but to how we deceive ourselves: “Oh, what a tangled web we weave/ when first we practise (sic) to deceive.” Most of us must spend some time unraveling that “tangled web” if we are to unlock our true potential.

As a student success instructor for the last year, and having trained to teach student success since 2015, I have been forced to unravel some of my own “webs” of self-deception. I texted this to my life partner Sonja recently, and she gave me permission to share it for publication: “I try to get it when you talk about your eating disorder and seeing yourself differently than you really are, but with my body I think I am pretty realistic…maybe even a little bit extra optimistic. 😆 But I was depressed and really feeling like a failure for so long before CVID, ADHD, and ASD diagnoses…I don’t really see myself for what I am and what I can be. My view is distorted and twisted still from my past experience. I am sorry I still struggle with that. I am trying to see myself with ‘fresh’ eyes. I can see better and do better.” Sonja and I have talked for years about how she sees, mentally, her body differently than it really is. I have read many women are impacted by this condition, but more and more men are struggling with issues of body image as well. This is certainly one area where we tend to lie to ourselves.

For me, the distortion comes in how I view myself in a social context. I sometimes have a very negative view of myself, despite how others may see me. As I share with my students, it took me 12 years to finish a bachelor’s degree. I struggled with depression throughout that process, but was never treated successfully. Finally, in my late 30s, I was diagnosed with CVID, a primary immunodeficiency. No wonder I had so many pneumonias. No wonder I was exhausted so frequently. And no wonder it was hard to finish my degree. I had a long, uphill road to manage all I had to manage and successfully negotiate college. I began IV treatment for CVID in 2011, and have since stayed much healthier and been able to exercise consistently.

I also struggled to finish my graduate degree. I was accepted into a PhD English program in 2001, the year I finished my BA, but I didn’t manage to finish a graduate degree until 2016. Why? I was diagnosed with ADHD in 2013, the year I began my most recent attempt at a graduate degree. I received treatment and thrived in graduate school, finishing while working and attending part-time. I was even honored by the program my last year, and finished with a perfect 4.0 average. I never would have expected to finish with an “unblemished” GPA, but I did it.

So who am I? Apparently, I’m a 4.0 student. However, I don’t see myself that way. I still see myself as the struggling student, the struggling person, the depressed person on the verge of a complete nihilistic meltdown. It’s time for me to begin seeing myself the way I am, not the way I was. This is easier said than done, but I know I have to keep working on it.

Most recently, in 2017, I was diagnosed with high functioning autism. In some areas I am very high functioning…but in other areas, I tested lower than what used to be called “Asperger’s syndrome.” I have some significant deficits when it comes to social interaction. I jokingly told Sonja, “What! I flunked Asperger’s?” But I do feel that way at times. It’s hard for me to see myself and my deficits in a realistic way–I just want to be like everyone else and live like everyone else. SPD, or sensory processing disorder, is a major component of my autism and of the way I “sense” the world. While I can do well enough one to one, or perhaps talking with two other people, I really struggle with larger groups of peers. Teaching is much easier for me–it’s scripted, and I can play my role well enough to manage a classroom and provide a solid community for my students. Sometimes I need to use headphones to manage sound input–I tend to do this at home. Perhaps I am embarrassed to do this publicly? I can struggle with smells and tastes as well, so I frequently opt out of public gatherings where food is served. I try not to be a “pain” about my issues, but if I try to force myself into the “norm,” into the standard, it is excruciating for me. I do wish that people would become more educated about SPD, as that would make my life and my children’s lives much easier.

Ultimately, I’m still trying to better understand and unravel my own self-deception. I know enough to know I’m not who I thought I was…but who am I? The more I understand, the easier it is to function well. I can “cut myself some slack” if I understand where a behavior or misperception originates. I have a logical mind, but there is sometimes a significant disconnect between my own logic and my “feeling,” my perception of myself. I have to keep untangling this web of misperception if I am to be the person I want to be and achieve what I want to achieve.

Are you deceiving yourself? If so, how? It’s worth meditating on your own thoughts and feelings in a way that allows you to really “see,” who you are and what you can do, and not be the victim of your own self-directed lies.

There is no “perfect”

“Perfect” is a silly word, and it deserves disinvention. I present here my argument why. Despite the logic, knowing what I know and feeling how I feel have disconnected. This is my attempt to inhabit the world I know to be the most “real,” and hardly “perfect.”

Perfection is an off or on, black or white, falsely constructed binary. Perfection does not exist in our natural world, but only in our imagination. We can trick ourselves into a “fixed” mindset or victim mindset. If I can’t have the “perfect” body, why work on my diet behavior? Why work on my movement behavior if I won’t look like the folks on TV? We see an unreachable goal and give in to the despair of imagined permanence. And sadly, it isn’t even “real,” but a trick of the mind.

There is no “perfect.” I realize now that I will never do my tai chi form perfectly, despite my years of practice. There is always learning. There are always mistakes. I am getting better at understanding this. It is a process of improving in motion.

There is no perfect job. No perfect house. No perfect life partner. No perfect child. No perfect person. No perfect…life.

Even when we have achieved “perfect,” we know how imperfect it really was. My “perfect” 4.0 for my recent master’s degree was far from it, because I know the revision and extra work I had to put in to even get close to deserving those grades. I am still shocked I did it–I know how “in process” I still am as a student and human being.

There is just “getting better.” Keeping at it. Improving. Finding a better version of yourself. Finding peace with the imperfection of ourselves and our world.

It’s one thing to know something logically, but quite another to feel it, to own it, to make it part of your daily practice. That has been my issue with the “prison” of perfection, and it remains a challenge for me still. Though I “let go” of perfection in one area, I hold tight in another, even to the point of self-destructive behavior. I have to keep focusing on seeing the world as it really is, and not as my inner critic and inner defender would claim it to be. I have to work every day toward my “creator” or “growth” mindset.

The peace seeking faiths of our world teach us this concept–we forgive the sins of others, but understand we ourselves deserve that same forgiveness as we inevitably make mistakes. This wisdom is thousands of years old, but still applies to our daily lives.

The hard part is “feeling” it, owning it, making it part of ourselves. Like many of the things we must feel, logic can only go so far. At some point we have to “let go” and know that perfection not only doesn’t exist in our future, but it never existed at all.

This YouTube performance by Prince Ea and others demonstrates this concept quite beautifully: https://youtu.be/LySC3v5geAc

About breathing and recovery

So you’re planning to begin, or improve and “stick with,” your movement behavior. Your physician suggested exercise, or you would like to play with your grandkids and spend more time outdoors. Whatever your reason, I would like to share some approaches that might make it easier for you to “stick with” whatever you plan to start.

Movement is good for us, we know that, and there is plenty of research to back up that claim. As a man in his mid 40s, I knew that getting back into better shape and improving my movement habits would be a challenge. A couple of years ago I was a depressed and rather uninspired 330 pounds of human being. Even then, though, I didn’t get overly focused on weight. I have a primary immunodeficiency, CVID, so starving my body would not be very wise. And, I knew my goals would be different today than they would have been in my 20s. At age 48 now, I’ve learned a lot about where I am now and what I have to do to succeed. I can’t claim there aren’t days I am humbled during this process.

If you’re not in ideal shape, getting a little older, or like me and facing both challenges, you’ll need to take it slowly at first. I highly, highly recommend beginning with yoga, tai chi, or just stretching and breathing and walking. As you begin your journey, here are a couple of recommendations I suggest you consider.

breathing–everything begins with breathing. You need to be moving air to have a productive workout. It would be time well spent if you planned to just breathe and stretch for the first month (yes MONTH) of your journey to improve your movement behavior. Tai chi has helped me to slow down and breathe–it’s vital for deep stretching, proper form, and for preventing injuries. When in doubt…slow down and breathe. Here’s a breathing technique I have developed from multiple sources, including my use of an incentive spirometer and the “belly breathing” you use in tai chi or for vocal performance. The shorthand I use for this technique is “51,” standing for five counts in and one big breath out. Begin by breathing in either through your nose or through your mouth, whichever is comfortable and allows you to breathe deeply into your belly. You can sit or stand, whichever is better for you, but use “good posture” and create space in the middle of your body to breathe into your belly. Breathe deeply into your belly, counting to yourself slowly or using 1001, etc., expanding your belly (think of pushing out your waistband or belt) until it is slightly uncomfortable, hold it for a microsecond and “feel” it full, then release and say “relax” to yourself as you let the air out. So, 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, relax. The mental, verbal suggestion reminds you to allow your body to relax while you practice. Repeat this process for about 2 minutes, or longer if you prefer. You can set a timer on your phone or other device if that helps you. A helpful analogy to visualize is someone drawing a bow–breathe in to draw, and then relax as you imagine letting the arrow fly. I use this technique while doing tai chi and while stretching, and even between reps when lifting. The more air you move, the more you’ll be able to move, and that’s the idea when adapting your movement behaviors.
recovery–Simply put, I need more recovery than I used to need. If I want to prevent injury, or even be able to move the next day, I have to understand that. With no ACL in my left knee, shoulder damage from dislocations, chronic bronchitis and bronchiectasis from CVID, and other issues, I just can’t “go nuts” one day and think I’ll be okay the next. That ain’t happening. You’re going to need to give yourself time to recover as your body adapts to new behaviors. Slow down when you need to, and plan to give yourself extra time to recover when you struggle to get through the day. I tend to workout every day, but that has a lot to do with bronchiectasis–in order to keep my lungs from shutting down, I need to cough up mucus pretty much every morning. Eww, right? But it’s something I need to do. Since I move every day, I have to plan “recovery” days. I don’t take the day off–instead, I’ll do tai chi or some stretching. A lighter workout, but still movement. I also recommend a longer warmup and cooldown. I warmup for 10 minutes and cooldown for ten minutes with every workout, doing what I call “plyowalking.” What is plyowalking? I combine walking a 20 foot strip in my basement with some stretching and plyometrics. I mix in some high knees, high knee with a twist, hamstring stretch kicks, front snap kicks, side kicks, and even some lunges with a “ginga” from capoeira. I stretch what I need to stretch, adapting as needed. If I need to loosen my shoulders with “swimming” or cross elbows and up elbows, I do that. Warming up prevents injuries and helps me the next day, so I do that. I think of the cooldown as the start of the next day’s workout–if I don’t loosen up at the end, it’s gonna be rough the next day. The other portion of my recovery day could be some light heavy bag work and then stretching, or it could be tai chi for 40 or 45 minutes. I use “Tai Cheng” from beachbody.com, and the “master class” is 29 minutes of stretching and 9 to 12 minutes of tai chi forms. Stretching, breathing, and slowing down on these “recovery” days is what allows me to do the “intensity” days. I generally alternate “intensity” days with “recovery” days, but sometimes I need two recovery days in a row. It helps me now to understand this. If I am too sore or dragging too much one day, there’s no harm in a second “recovery” day in a row. Believe me, it’s better than getting injured and struggling a month with the injury. In order to “stick with it” in terms of your new movement habits, give yourself time to slow down and recover.

Whether you are just in the planning stages of changing your movement behavior, or you are just trying to stop “stopping” and having to start from scratch again, spending time specifically working on your breathing behavior and recovery behavior will help you to reach your health and wellness goals. As the Taoist saying goes, “First you crawl, then you walk, then you run.” If you jump straight into running too soon, you may have a setback. Give yourself time. Behavioral change is a long-term project.

What all this is about

I have several chronic illnesses, including CVID, a primary immunodeficiency. I’m also the parent of special needs children. However, I have benefitted greatly from movement activities and improving my diet. I would like to help others to do the same.

A lot of folks “get started” with a workout and diet plan, but many fail to “stick with it.” By looking at both diet and movement as behaviors, I would like to help others to stick with their plan and keep building on their success. It may take time, but learning and adapting new behaviors can really benefit people with their overall health. I know it’s helped me.

Not everyone is going to look like the folks in the videos, even the ones who are “modifying” their workouts. People with all kinds of body types can improve their overall health and feel better, with more energy, if they find their own path to improvement. It really is possible, no matter where you start.

Are you trying to improve your health, to move more and eat better? If so, I invite you to join me in my own journey. I’m hardly a “master” as I am still learning, too. I hope to share approaches here and common sense information that can help you find a path to better health through adapting better movement and eating behaviors.